30 Years and Counting: 4 Keys to a Happy Marriage

Inside: Three decades after saying “I do,” I share a few thoughts about laughing together, embracing differences, dealing with “the unforeseens” and growing older with the one you love. ~

My first clue that this wedding anniversary might not be like all the others was when I got choked up reading the “husband” cards at Wal-Mart. Then I found two cards I really liked, rather than barely coming up with one that said just the right thing without being too wordy.

That’s never happened before.

Maybe it’s this season of having both daughters away at college for the first time. Or perhaps I keep thinking back five years ago to our 25^th anniversary, which came along weeks before both my parents died.

Whatever the Case

Thirty years is hitting me different, it seems.

We’ve never been big into anniversary trips and whatnot. Randy replaced my plain gold wedding ring with a diamond anniversary band once. This gift came at 11 years, though, rather than some more traditional milestone date.

I’m OK with all that.

I don’t blog about marriage very often, nor do I gush about “my man” much on Instagram. Even so, the state of our union is good. And since this month’s Share Four Something post falls directly on our anniversary date, I thought I’d offer a few keys to “long-haul love,” as I like to call it.

• Laugh Together

 Randy and I were on our way to the grocery store. As we entered the parking lot, I noticed a “Tent Sale” sign advertising one of those events where they bring merchandise outside and display it under a big white awning.

“I didn’t know they sold tents at HyVee,” Randy said as we drove by the sign.

The minute the words left his mouth, I burst out laughing. Not simply because what he said was funny, but because I knew—with 100 percent certainty—that he was going to say it.

My laughter made him laugh, and we sat there chuckling as people who have been married a long time sometimes do. Our daughter Molly rolled her eyes in the backseat, which didn’t surprise me a bit since I used to do the very same thing in the back of my dad’s old Rambler as my parents cackled over some inside joke up front.

We’ve always been a laughing family, back when it was just the two of us and especially as our girls were growing up. And not just in seasons when everything was going right, either.

In the saddest season of my family’s history, we found comfort and healing in laughter.

“The couple who laughs together stays together” might not have the same ring as other common sayings, but I think it’s true too.

• Embrace Your Differences

Even though we scored the same four letters on the Myers Briggs test we took during our premarital counseling, Randy and I are not exactly alike. We have some similar personality traits, but we process the world very differently.

I’m seeing this more and more as we get older, and it’s a good thing.

We both bring characteristics to the table that sometimes frustrate each other but also make each other better. We can learn from the ways that we are different and either appreciate them more or perhaps emulate them ourselves.

This kind of growth must be self-directed, however. It’s not a matter of thinking we can change each other, like we (I) assumed when we first got married. Rather, it’s more of attitude that says, “Maybe he’s been on to something all these years and perhaps it’s time I looked into that more.”

• Expect the Unforeseens

 Last fall, Randy was in the middle of demoing the second-floor bathroom when we discovered water in the basement media room. He left the mess upstairs to rip out and replace the soggy carpet. (This entails much more than simply buying new carpet squares, by the way).

He’d barely gotten back to working on the bathroom when we left to visit Lilly in Spain. We returned home on Thanksgiving Day with Covid, which prolonged the completion of the bathroom even longer. (Turns out, tiling between coughing fits is just as awful as it sounds.)

John Lennon was right when he sang, “Life is what happens to you when you’re busy making other plans.” This includes the “unforeseens,” as Randy tells me such problems are called in the commercial construction industry.

Over the course of a marriage, we do well when we understand that these unexpected situations will happen, even if we don’t know what they will be, and take each one as it comes.

The sooner we figure out how to roll with the unforeseens together, the better off we’ll be.

• Commit to Growing Old Together

Real life is not a Hallmark movie. Things fall apart, including our bodies as we age.

We do our best to keep ourselves moving forward, of course. But we also need to give ourselves—and each other—grace as we age.

I learned this lesson by watching my parents in their later years. We never know what challenges may come our way or how we will respond to them. However, knowing what could happen—because we saw it happen to our loved ones—gives us a chance to decide some things ahead of time.

To hold our expectations and plans loosely. To never say never. To willingly receive input from others who might be able to see things more objectively.

I’m reminded of a favorite Psalm that just might become my prayer for this season of my life and marriage.

“Teach us to number our days carefully so that we may develop wisdom in our hearts. …

“Satisfy us in the morning with your faithful love so that we may shout for joy and be glad all our days.

“Make us rejoice for as many days as you have humbled us, for as many years as we have seen adversity.

“Let your work be seen by your servants, and your splendor by their children.

“Let the favor of the Lord our God be on us; establish for us the work of our hands, establish the work of our hands.” ~ Psalm 90:12-17

• • •

If you are married, how long? Have you come up with any of your own keys to long-haul love? If you’re single, please share any lessons about life that you may have learned from observing a loved one’s marriage.

♥ Lois

P.S. I’m linking up this week with sharefoursomethings, #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.