A Grieving Mom Asks, “How Are We to Go On?”

When my dad died last year, I got short text from my friend Kim. “Your dad’s in heaven,” it read. “Good for him!”

This might sound like a strange thing to say to a grieving daughter, but coming from Kim, it was perfect. Not only is she is a dear friend who knows me well, she also knows a great deal about missing a precious loved one who has gone before her to heaven.

Today, she joins us to talk about her family’s great loss and how God has sustained them through their years of grief and pain. It is my prayer—and hers too—that her story will comfort and encourage you as you walk through your own difficult seasons of life.

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Back when our family was young, my friend Tammy gave us a beautiful drawing of God’s hands holding each of our six names along with the words, “I will not forget you! I have engraved you on the palms of my hands” from Isaiah 49:16.

This framed piece of art has hung on a wall in our home for many years, but we had no way of knowing how profound and true these words would become to us.

Our third son, Andrew, died in a car accident on Aug. 23, 2010. He was 16 years old.

Ten years later, this reality continues to be unthinkable to me. Losing Andrew deeply impacted my life, as well as the lives of my husband, our older two sons and our daughter. It also changed our family dynamics in significant ways.

Early on, I decided not to ask God “why” because any answer He may have given would never satisfy this mother’s heart. Instead, my primary question was, “How are we to go on?”

There have been happy times and events these past years. But each one of us also has experienced profound life difficulties.

Serious issues and situations occurred in the lives of our young adult and teenage children which were either directly related to grief or clearly rooted in grief. Some were improved by intense parenting, while others involved challenging situations that had far-reaching ripple effects in their lives.

We certainly had our times of weak faith and doubts. Although we’ve survived with our faith intact, there is no way that we kept our footing through these struggles due to our own strength and wisdom, because we had neither.  Rather, consistent answers to needs and prayer came in ways that we knew could only be from the hands of God.

As we have persevered through the difficulties and worked with the grief, family has become a healing and critical priority for me and my husband. We have found sweet joy when our family welcomed new additions through weddings and births. We have been blessed with daughters-in-law whom we love and two grandbabies who soothe parts of our hearts in a way that we never anticipated.

Over the last decade, we have packed up two houses, resigned from jobs we enjoyed, left wonderful friends and moved across states and then cities to be close enough to share more time with our family. To some, these decisions may not have seemed logical, but to us, they were vitally important.

Our family scripture says, “I pray that you … may have power together with all the Lord’s holy people to grasp how wide and long and high and deep is the love of Christ and to know this love that surpasses knowledge—that you may be filled to the measure of all the fullness of God.” (Ephesians 3:6-19)

Supplying the opportunity to live near family has been one of the ways that God has shown His love for us. I don’t know how we could have gotten through these last 10 years without this gift of love and provision from Him.

Since Andrew died, people who have chosen to stick with us for the long haul have been among our most appreciated blessings. Having family and friends who understand and help us carry the burden of grief—even if they didn’t personally know Andrew—means so very much to us.

We are deeply thankful when Andrew is remembered intentionally on the hard days that come each year—holidays, his birthday, meaningful events like graduations and weddings, and any family gathering where he is so clearly absent.

We have 10 years of incomplete family photos, and it hurts to know we are missing all his life would have brought to us.

At the same time, it warms our hearts to think of the 10 or so “Andrew” tattoos out there on friends and family members, and to remember that three special babies bear his name. And since Andrew loved soccer, it always makes us smile when we see soccer fields full of kids running and kicking like he used to do.

Andrew had a strong faith in God that was all his own. He was 100 percent confident in his belief that God provides life after death in heaven for those who trust in Jesus. He had a significant spiritual influence on many people in his short life, and I imagine he would have joined three of his closest friends who now work in Christian service.

Our oldest son is a country songwriter, and one of his song titles asks the question, “What if I never get over you?” I’m guessing he and his co-writers meant this to be a love song, but in my heart, it speaks to the fact that I will always miss our sweet, caring, dear third son.

Although soccer was Andrew’s top pursuit, he also played string bass in the orchestra, was vice president of student council, and was able to get good grades at school very easily.

Plus, he was just a fun person to be around. He had a heart for those who needed to feel cared for. He was willing to talk to his mom at length. He had an amazing bond with his sister and greatly looked up to his older brothers. He loved to laugh, watch movies and analyze his soccer games with his dad.

I will never get over him.

Andrew is safely and securely in heaven—his faith pointed to that reality, and we are certain we will see him again. Over time, we have learned to live with raw, deep pain. Gradually, we have learned to live with sadness and happiness at the same time.

We have seen, felt, heard and known that God’s hands have carried our family through these years. At times we had to look back to see that God was there, but He was consistently with us.

The answer to my question, “How are we to go on?” is found in the picture that still hangs on the wall of our home.

Despite our great sorrow, God did not forget us. He engraved us in the palm of His hands long ago. He clearly has held us and carried us. He has answered prayers and tears and shown His hands and voice in so many ways that are undeniably from Him.

It warms my heart when we are praying for each of our children and my husband always thanks God specifically for “each year we had with Andrew.”

And although I will forever miss my sweet son and understand that tears for him will always come easily, there are moments when I am actually a bit happy for him to be where he is. I love you, Andrew!

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Dear reader, if you know someone who might be encouraged or comforted by Kim’s story, would you take a moment to share it with him or her? And if that someone has been you, please know that we care and are praying for you. We might not know your name, but God does, and He will never forget it.

♥ Lois

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Purposeful Faith, InstaEncouragements, Recharge Wednesday, #HeartEncouragement, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.