Advice for Your 40s (and every other decade)

“Any advice for my 40s? I only hear good things about them.”

I read that line recently in an Instagram post, and it sorta stopped me in my tracks for a minute.

It made me want to go down to the basement storage room, dig out the box of letters Randy secretly requested people send me when I turned 40, and see what they had to say about the coming decade. Especially those who were already there, or had been there long ago.

I’m turning 50 in a few months. I can’t wrap my head around it. Fifty still sounds so old.

And yet, my friends who are older than 50 don’t seem old to me. Nor do I feel old personally.

I mean, my knee joints definitely feel older. When I look in the mirror, I see my mom’s saggy upper arms and my dad’s white hair (especially during the quarantine when I went four months between hair colorings). And the bags under my eyes appear more pronounced and wrinkly with every passing year.

But, truth be told, saggy arms and white roots and noticeable eye bags were not new developments in my 40s. Not by a long shot.

At the same time, I think my 40s have been good to me—and for me. In many ways, I’ve experienced what others said would happen in this decade.

I’m more comfortable in my own skin. I’m more confident in my ability to handle hard things and make hard decisions. I’m much more flexible.

I have room to improve in all of these areas, for sure. I also think it’s fair to say I’m not how I used to be, and that’s a good thing.

But the growth didn’t come overnight, nor was it acquired without loss, grief or stress. Had I been in charge of doling out my own life circumstances, I doubt I would have chosen significant portions of what I got.

I can relate to Frodo in the Lord of the Rings, lamenting to his mentor Gandalf about the heavy burden it is to carry the cursed ring.

“I wish the Ring had never come to me. I wish none of this had happened,” the Hobbit says.

“So do all who live to see such times, but that is not for them to decide,” replies the wise wizard. “All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us.”

What happens to us in our 40s—the good, the bad and the ugly—is often not for us to decide. But how we respond? That is entirely up to us.

Ten years is a long time. It might not seem like very long to an octogenarian, but here on the cusp of 50—perhaps for the Instagrammer on the verge of 40, and maybe for you too—it seems like an eternity.

What the next 10 years will hold for us—as individuals, as a country, as a community of believers—is anybody’s guess. Perhaps the only thing we know for sure is that change will come.

Some of it will likely be good; some will probably be difficult. Even changes that are beautiful and joyful may be tinged with sadness—that’s just the nature of life as we get older.

That said, there’s only one bit of advice I would offer someone turning 40—or 50, 30 or 70, for that matter.

Learn to hold things loosely.

Loved ones, expectations, material possessions, homes, desires, dreams, relationships, plans for your future (or your children’s futures)—all of it.

If it’s possible to hold on to something—literally or figuratively—learn to hold it loosely.

• • • 

Next week, I’ll elaborate on this counsel a bit and share some ways we can facilitate the learning (it’s an ongoing, lifelong process, at least for me).

In the meantime, if you’re over 40, what bit of wisdom would you share with someone who was about to hit that youthful milestone?

♥ Lois

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Purposeful Faith, #TellHisStory, InstaEncouragements, Recharge Wednesday, #HeartEncouragement, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.