Author

Lois Flowers

Share Four Somethings: May 2024

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: As my empty nest fills back up temporarily, I’m teaching a daughter to cook, trying out a different form of exercise, enjoying a new favorite bread recipe, missing my mom and counting many blessings. ~

And just like that, our once-empty nest has filled back up.

Daughter Lilly graduated from college and moved back home, along with younger sister Molly. Molly will return to school in the fall, but Lilly is looking for a full-time job in her degree field.

If she lands one remote position she’s in the running for, she’ll be here at least a while longer. Like so many scenarios in recent years, I’m finding in this another opportunity to hold expectations loosely and be thankful for the blessings inherent in each season.

I’m posting this on my mom’s birthday, and I sure wish I could talk to her about this transition. I can’t do that, of course, but I can emulate the hospitality and grace she offered me when I, too, lived at home for more than a year after I finished college.

Here’s the blunt truth. I wasn’t always the easiest person to be around during that time of my life. I’m not proud of this, but it does help me have empathy toward others in that situation.

Fortunately, the four of us enjoy spending time together as a family. Randy and I will be grateful for that, for however long the girls are here.

Now, without further ado, it’s time to link up with Jennifer and friends for this month’s Share Four Somethings. Starting with …

Something Loved

Here’s one way to find a new favorite recipe.

• Listen to a podcast that features an interview with someone who has written a memoir about baking bread.

• Get the book—By Bread Alone: A Baker’s Reflections on Hunger, Longing, and the Goodness of God—from the library and read it.

• Notice a recipe called “Companion Bread” that author Kendall Vanderslice describes as “sourdough on training wheels.”

• Read the recipe and find no mention of fussing around with starter.

• Try the recipe, which involves several easy steps, including an overnight resting of the dough.

• Eat the bread and love it.

• Repeat. (I think I’ve made the bread four times in the last few months.)

(Also, the podcast was “Welcome Heart: Living a Legacy Life” with Sue Donaldson.)

Something Learned

Earlier this month, I told Lilly that if she wanted me to teach her how to cook her favorite recipes, this summer would be a good time to do it. I also said I would not hound her to join me in the kitchen, but she could initiate the cooking lessons whenever she liked.

I came home from running errands one day and found my favorite cookbooks and the family recipe binder dotted with Post-it notes. Turns out, she had—with help from Molly—gone through all the recipes and found around 60 for us to make together.

So far, she’s done a few things she never wanted to do before—namely, skin and cut up raw chicken and mix ground beef and other ingredients for Salisbury Steak with her hands. She is very thankful for latex gloves, but she hasn’t complained a bit.

I’m grateful for the kitchen help, and for the chance to pass on some fun skills to my daughter.

Something New

I’ll probably write more about this in the future, but for now, I’ll just say an issue with my knee is causing me to think differently about exercise. Specifically, it’s forcing me to stop running and choose something else to keep up my cardiovascular health.

One good option seems to be biking, and this is another reason why I am grateful for Lilly’s presence at home right now. She enjoys riding bikes and is a wonderful person to have along as I get used to navigating the trail near my home in this way.

Something Realized

By this time of year, I usually have pots full of my favorite annuals scattered around my yard. A strawberry planter on the front porch full of red impatiens. Petunias in a hanging basket in the window well by the basement guest room. More impatiens and petunias in the backyard by the pool.

Usually, if the annuals haven’t been planted, they’ve at least been purchased. But not this year. I’ve been so busy with other projects and family events, not to mention distracted by the afore-mentioned knee problem, that I haven’t even been to a garden center to buy a single plant for my many pots.

The realization is that while I hope I get to this soon, I’m OK with scaling back. Maybe even significantly.

Of course, every time I say this, I end up planting all my pots anyway. So I guess we’ll see.

• • •

Now it’s your turn. What did May hold for you? Please share in the comments.

♥ Lois

Like so many scenarios in recent years, I’m finding in this another opportunity to hold expectations loosely and be thankful for the blessings inherent in each season. Share on X I can’t talk to my mom about transitions with young adult children, but I can emulate the hospitality and grace she offered me when I lived at home for more than a year after I finished college. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with sharefoursomethings, #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

Grad photo courtesy of John Brown University.

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What I Learned about Grace During a Stressful Season

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: It started with a pity party and ended with a deeper understanding of how the Gospel frees us to release others from meeting needs that only God can meet. ~

Years ago, the biblical concept of dying to self became intensely personal for me during a stressful time of my life.

I shared what this looked like last week. But the story didn’t end there.

I continued thinking about dying to self as the months went by. We even started talking about it as a family.

We called it “DTS-ing” for short, referring to unselfish acts like choosing the smaller cookie or letting someone else go first—intentional efforts to put others ahead of our own desires, even for the little things.

Hard Season

During that time, I was transitioning into a different season of life, physically. There was a lot of personal and family change. There were some unmet expectations. Things that I had always counted on seemed altered, and I sometimes struggled to distinguish perception from reality.

Summer came, and it was hot. I had an infection that required antibiotics, and the medication caused bona-fide insomnia. I’m sure all of that played into my mental state at the time.

I lay on my bed one day, half praying, half processing.

I know I’m supposed to die to myself so that others can live, I thought, but what about me? Do I have to die to myself so others can live even if it seems like nobody is doing that for me? Or at least not doing it in the way that I hoped to see it done that day?

Mind Tricks

I want to point out that people have died to self for me throughout my life and were continuing to do it even then. My husband, especially, was making significant sacrifices to provide for our family during those rough economic times.

Unfortunately, the changes in my body and mind were playing some serious tricks on me. Amid such transition, it’s sometimes easy to lose sight of what’s real. Although praying Psalm 43:3—that God would send His light and His truth so they could lead me—helped, I still struggled.

But back to my question: Do I have to die to myself so that others can live even if I think nobody is doing that for me?

I knew the answer, and I didn’t like it.

Then I Had an Epiphany

There I was, having a pity party because I felt like no one was dying to him- or herself so that I could experience life, when the Holy Spirit whispered to my heart:

“Somebody DID die so you could have life.”

Suddenly, everything I had ever learned about the gospel coalesced into crystal-clear form.

Jesus Died So We Can Live

And because He died so we can live, we can die to ourselves so that others can have life.

Because of His grace, we’re wholly accepted, wholly clean, wholly loved. We belong in His family, forever.

And because of that, we’re free.

Free to give, expecting nothing in return. Free to love even when we don’t feel love back.

Free to release others from the burden of meeting needs only God can meet. Free to share our stories even if might embarrass us a bit. Free to invest our lives and words into others without fearing rejection or needing affirmation.

Lifelong Lesson

Why it took four decades to figure this out, I don’t know.

Truth be told, I’m still trying to figure it out.

But that day, something shifted inside my heart. In ways that I find hard to describe, what Jesus did for me—for each one of us—seemed more real, more relevant to my daily life.

He did it all.

And He is enough.

♥ Lois

Because of God's free gift of grace, we’re wholly accepted, wholly clean, wholly loved. We belong in His family, forever. Share on X Because of God's gift of grace, we're free to give, expecting nothing in return. Free to love even when we don’t feel love back. Free to release others from the burden of meeting needs only God can meet. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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The Role We Play in Giving Life to Others

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: Even when we’re irritable or exhausted, we can choose to encourage others by speaking kindly and putting their needs ahead of our own. ~

What does it mean to die to self?

The question—posed many years ago during a small-group discussion—was one I had never seriously considered. The image of someone jumping in front of a bus to save another person immediately sprang to mind, but I suspected the meaning was more figurative than literal.

The scriptural context was 2 Corinthians 4:10-12, which says:

“We always carry the death of Jesus in our body, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who live are always given over to death because of Jesus, so that Jesus’ life may also be revealed in our mortal flesh. So death works in us, but life in you.”

Real-life Application

I understood the connection to the one-time event of salvation, but that night, I started thinking about how “death” in me could result in life for someone else.

That season of my life included significant amounts of change and stress. Though it all, I struggled with irritability. I often reacted rather than responded. I frequently failed to demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit in how I interacted with my daughters, who were then about 10 and 7 years old.

As I contemplated dying to self through the lens of my own struggles, Jesus’ words in John 10:10 came to mind: “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”

Do Our Words Speak Life?

I thought about my words, my tone and my attitude. I considered the power they have to impact other people, especially the people in my house.

Do my attitudes and my thoughts bring life to others? I asked myself. When I respond to my children, are my words bringing life to their hearts and minds, or are my words and tone speaking death to them?

I know the theological concept of dying to self is multi-faceted and many layered, but this was what convicted me during that conversation. When every fiber my being wants respond in irritation and frustration—because I’m stressed, tired, hormonal or whatever—it is possible for me to die to myself so someone else can experience life—full, whole, complete life.

It’s Possible for You Too

We can choose kind, gentle and loving words instead of going with our human desire to be irritable. We can put someone else’s need for our presence above our own need to be alone.

Don’t get me wrong—it’s not easy. It can be quite hard, in fact, especially if we’ve been running on irritable for a long time.

There are many times when I don’t do it, even now.

But we can do it. It is possible.

A Chance to Choose

The day after our small group talked about dying to self, my daughter Lilly—who was in fourth grade at the time—asked me if I would come to school and have lunch with her. I tried to do that regularly back then, gamely braving a noisy lunchroom full of highly spirited kids because she wanted me to be there.

That morning, though, I was even more tired than usual. I had already come for lunch once that week, and I didn’t really want to do it again so soon.

“No, not today, honey,” I told her as she got out of the car.

She was OK with that, but no sooner had I driven out of the parking lot than the words from the night before started running through my head: die to self, die to self, die to self.

What Happened

Oh, all RIGHT, I frumped. I get the message. I’ll go to school for lunch today!

When I got there later, I went to the fourth-grade wet area to find Lilly. One glance at her face told me something was terribly wrong.

A friend had been unkind, and her feelings were hurt. In a way that nobody but God could have orchestrated, she needed her mom right then, and there I was.

We retreated to the bathroom, where hugs and a few soft words soothed her feelings. She usually invited a friend join us for lunch, but this time, she and I sat at a table in the wet area—just the two of us—and ate our lunches. I pulled a deck of cards out of my purse, and by the time her classmates came back, she was fine.

It was a small thing, but it made a huge impression on me—one that lingers to this day.

• • •

That’s not all I learned about dying to self during that season of my life. Next week, I’ll share about an unexpected epiphany that touched the deepest parts of my faith. In the meantime, what does dying to self look like in your life, past or present? Please share in the comments.

♥ Lois

When every fiber our being wants respond in irritation and frustration, it IS possible for us to die to ourselves so others can experience full, whole, complete life. Share on X It's hard, but we CAN choose kind, gentle and loving words instead of going with our human desire to be irritable. We CAN put someone else’s need for our presence above our own need to be alone. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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How to “Keep it Real” in Your Writing

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside: When we stay true to who we are and what we believe, comparison and outrage fall by the wayside because our words no longer depend on anyone else’s reaction or response.~

Even if we don’t make our living off words, we all write every day.

Whether it goes out in the form of emails, tweets and texts, work-related memos, blog posts and comments, birthday cards or Facebook updates, communication is continually flowing from our fingertips.

And in an electronic culture that is often characterized by both outrage and comparison, it can be equally as tempting to over think every word as it is to dash something off and post it without a second thought.

Happy Medium

There’s got to be a happy medium in there somewhere. For me, that sweet spot is closely intertwined with what I like to call “keeping it real.” When our writing stays true to who we are and what we believe, comparison and outrage fall by the wayside because our words cease to depend on someone else’s reaction or response.

There’s a tremendous amount of freedom in that, don’t you think?

What real writing looks like in real life obviously depends on the situation and personality of the communicator. But if you want to join me in making your writing—whatever form it takes—honest and meaningful, here are a few thoughts that you might find helpful.

Be Yourself

• Don’t try to copy another person’s style. Sound like who you are.

• Don’t set out to write “lyrical or poetic prose.” That kind of writing flows naturally. If it’s forced, it shows.

• Don’t try to write in any particular way, actually. Write what you want to say. If it ends up being lyrical or poetic, fine. If not, that’s fine too. You’re communicating a message, not a style.

• Write how you speak—clearly and conversationally.

• Read what you’ve written out loud. If you find yourself gasping for breath before the end of a sentence or stumbling over your words, rewrite.

Consider Your Emotions

• It’s great if you write something that makes you laugh. But don’t try to be funny on purpose. That rarely works.

• If you find yourself in tears as your words hit the screen or as you read your work aloud, you’ve likely hit upon something that will touch someone else too. At this point, don’t shy away; dig deeper.

• If what you’ve written flowed from a deep emotional well, save it and come back to it in a few days or weeks. Time has a way of revealing whether you should hit send or publish.

General Rules

• If it’s not your story to tell, don’t tell it.

• As a general rule, don’t react. Originate.

• Write to encourage, educate, comfort or (possibly and carefully) challenge. Never write to impress.

• Don’t share publicly what you think a particular person in your life needs to hear. If you feel compelled to share a certain message with someone, try to do it in person.

Attitude Check

• Don’t take yourself too seriously. That kind of attitude doesn’t translate well on the page (or screen).

• Ask someone who knows you and loves you well to read your writing. Give that person permission to let you know when what you’ve written doesn’t “sound like you.”

• Ask yourself: Is it right? Is it necessary? Is it kind? If not, don’t write it.

• Humility trumps the need to make sure everyone knows that you are right.

• Watch the sarcasm and snark. If it sounds like something a 13-year-old girl would say, consider revising.

Digging Deeper

• If what you are writing makes you squeamish because you think no one will be able to relate, keep writing. You are not alone, and others in the same boat need to know that they are not alone either.

• If you’re afraid to write something, ask yourself, “What is the worst thing that could happen if I post this?”

• If you write about faith-related topics, you don’t have to include a verse or mention God in every paragraph, or even in every post. Your worldview (and your view of grace) will come across in how you write—in your tone, in your word choices and in the way you respond to criticism or compliments.

• There are times when real is better in retrospect. Very often, feelings and thoughts need to simmer a good, long time before they can or should be expressed in writing—at least writing that is intended for public consumption.

Before You Share

• Last paragraphs are hard to write. Sometimes abrupt endings are better than tidy bows.

• Pray while you write and before you hit send or publish. Ask God to direct your words to the people who need to read them.

• Let go of your expectations about how any one thing you communicate is going to be received. Write from your heart and leave the results up to God.

• • •

What does “keeping it real” mean to you? If any of these thoughts resonates with you, or if you find that one is a greater struggle than the others, please share in the comments.

♥ Lois

In any kind of writing, humility trumps the need to make sure everyone knows that you are right. Share on X Feelings and thoughts often need to simmer a good, long time before they can or should be expressed in writing—at least writing that is intended for public consumption. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with sharefoursomethings, #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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What If Our Best Isn’t Good Enough?

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside:  When we release our current best out into the world, we may open ourselves up to doubt and rejection, but also to the freedom to trust God with the results, whatever they may be. ~

After years of work (and second-guessing), I took a deep breath and hit the “send” button on an email.

I’d done my best on a project near and dear to my heart, and now it was out of my hands.

I thought back to a moment, many months earlier. I was standing at my kitchen island, where I carry out many of my household tasks, when a phrase slipped into my mind.

“Put your offering on the altar.”

Instant Clarity

The moment I heard it, I knew exactly what it meant.

I knew what my offering was, and I knew where the altar was.

As I wrote here, I also understood the deeper meaning.

Once an offering is laid on an altar, what happens next is not our responsibility. We are the offerers, not the fire producers.

The Great Unknown

When we put our offering, whatever it is, on the altar, we open ourselves up to a world of potentially scary possibilities. Rejection. What-ifs. The unknown.

But we also fling the door wide to freedom. Freedom to trust God with the results, knowing His plans and purposes are good and will never fail.

We are not the first people, in the entire course of history, who have placed offerings on an altar without knowing the outcome.

Biblical Examples

The Old Testament patriarch Abraham comes to mind, trekking up the mountain with Isaac, knowing full well that God had told him to lay his only son on the altar. Or Elijah, who had the audacity—in front of hundreds of false prophets—to dump water all around the altar before calling down the fire of heaven to consume his sacrifice.

In both cases, these men presented their offering knowing it could lead to death—for themselves or a loved one.

I’m not comparing us to them or our situations to theirs. But the same God who guided their steps is also guiding ours. That’s a mind-blowing thought, isn’t it?

Our Offerings

Sometimes our offering is our daily work—whatever God has called us to do in whatever season of life we’re in. Mothering, caregiving, teaching, homemaking, fulfilling some kind of professional role.

Each day, we carry out our responsibilities as best we can, relying on God for the strength and wisdom to do it well.

Other times, particularly during seasons of transition, we might not be exactly sure what we are supposed to be doing. We might have an idea—a plan, a dream, a desire. It might have to do with “the ache [we] can’t get rid of,” as author Susan Cain and writer John P. Weiss describe it.

Dealing with Doubts

We proceed one step at a time, sometimes with a strong sense of direction, sometimes not. But even when we feel we are being led down a specific path, doubts can creep in.

What if we heard the still small Voice wrong? What if our best isn’t good enough? How long is this going to take? What if it never happens?

Here’s what I know to be true. We don’t operate in a vacuum. Each of us is part of a greater story, a piece of a bigger puzzle.

We often don’t know the grand design, how we fit in or what the end result will be. Chances are, whatever happens next won’t look exactly like what we expect or imagine.

Like it or not, this is how life works.

Not Good Enough?

Also, if our best doesn’t appear to be good enough—if we’re overlooked or not picked or out outright rejected—it’s not because we’re not good enough.

It’s because whatever we offered wasn’t right, at that time, for whomever we offered it to.

It’s like I tell my soon-to-be college graduate daughter when she interviews for a job and gets the dreaded “we’ve decided to go in another direction” email.

“Then that’s not the job for you, my dear.”

The Best Response

Ironically (or perhaps not), the same message also applies to me, in this new season of figuring out what I’m going to do with the rest of my life. And maybe to you too.

The only response, as we take tentative or bold steps forward, is to pray consistently, “May your will be done, not mine.” That last bit is the toughest part, by the way. My will is plenty strong, but holding on too tightly? It only produces anxiety and rarely ends well.

As I’ve shared here and here, God is the one who opens and closes the doors.

The Way Forward

If there is a way forward—for me, for you, for a particular project, job or ministry—He will be the one who makes it happen. In the end, it won’t be solely due to our hustle, our network, our charisma or even our skills.

Those things are important, some more than others. When we reach a crossroads or take a big step, we can’t just sit back and hope things will happen, after all. We have to move forward in the strength that we have, always willing to learn new skills and grow in potentially uncomfortable ways.

Hitting send on that email was just the first step for me. It was a big step, at least in my mind. But before all is said and done, there will probably be a lot more work and many more emails, very much like that first one.

The good news is this. God knows what we need. He will make a way. He will provide.

And however long it takes, however many fits and starts it seems we are having, we get a front-row seat to watch it happen.

♥ Lois

When we put our offering, whatever it is, on the altar, we fling the door wide to freedom. Freedom to trust God with the results, knowing His plans and purposes are good and will never fail. Share on X If we’re overlooked or not picked or out outright rejected, it’s not because we’re not good enough. It’s because whatever we offered wasn’t right, at that time, for whomever we offered it to. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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The Hospitality of Shared Grief

by Lois Flowers
by Lois Flowers

Inside:  When someone makes an effort to meet us where we are—with an overture or gesture they believe we would appreciate—it can make all the difference in the world to our hurting hearts. ~

Not long ago, I texted my friend Beth about getting together for coffee. It had been a while since we’d seen each other, and I had heard she had been dealing with some unexpected health challenges.

Beth is a bit further down the parent-loss road than I am. She also knew my mom and dad well from church, and her willingness to share in my grief has been a great blessing to me these last few years.

Beth responded that she’d love to meet for coffee, but that wasn’t all.

“Maybe we could go out to your parents’ grave afterwards?” she wrote.

A Kind Invitation

As I pondered this kind invitation later, the phrase that came to mind was “the hospitality of shared grief.”

At first glance, grief and hospitality may not seem like words that go together. The way I see it, though, they are an appropriate duo.

Hospitality denotes a warm welcome, a comfortable table, encouraging conversation, common feelings. What better place to be, as a grieving person, than in the tender presence of another person who understands?

Maybe not because they have lived through the same exact loss, but because the sadness they have endured has enlarged their ability to relate.

What it Looks Like

The hospitality of shared grief takes on many forms—as varied as the personalities and experiences of the people participating in it.

It might look like hug in the church lobby. A conversation over coffee or Zoom. A card or text on a difficult anniversary date. A walk around the lake. A morning spent cooking a treasured family recipe together.

It can also be extended through the offer to read a book together, unshed tears in the eyes of a gentle listener or even an empathetic comment on a blog or Instagram post.

Intentional Overtures

These gifts of compassion aren’t elaborate or expensive. But they are intentional. And that’s one of the best things about them.

When someone makes an effort to meet us where we are—with an overture or gesture they believe we would appreciate—it can make all the difference in the world.

Beth and I did visit the cemetery the day we met for coffee. She told me that she stops by my parents’ gravesite when she is missing her own parents, who are buried in a different state.

Being there with her was comforting to me, and so was knowing she also finds solace there. Whether it’s in the cemetery or somewhere else, I have feeling this won’t be the last time we experience the hospitality of shared grief together.

• • •

Have you ever experienced the hospitality of shared grief? What did that look like for you?

♥ Lois

The hospitality of shared grief takes on many forms: a hug in the church lobby, a conversation over coffee or Zoom, a card or text on a difficult anniversary date, a walk around a lake. Share on X When someone makes an effort to meet us where we are—with an overture or gesture they believe we would appreciate—it can make all the difference in the world. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

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