Author

Lois Flowers

1 Tip to Help You Say No When You’re Exhausted

by Lois Flowers October 27, 2015

by Lois Flowers

I had an email conversation the other day that made me want to drop everything and take a sympathy nap. Every sentence oozed discouragement as my formerly energetic friend described how exhausted she is. How she has to drag herself through each day. How void she is of enthusiasm and vision.

Her words shot me back several years to a season when I felt much like she is feeling now. I didn’t have near the full plate that my friend carries, but as I’ve shared here and here, I know very well what it’s like to trudge around all day in a state of perpetual overwhelmedness.

I’m not talking about being a bit too busy or somewhat over-committed. No, this has to do with the kind of mind-numbing fatigue that stems from circumstantial, hormonal, relational or physical factors that often are beyond our control.

As I read my friend’s email, I thought of the little phrase that guided how I used my time and energy during my own tired years:

“Only do what only I can do.”

Contrary to what I may think, I am not indispensable. And during seasons of acute exhaustion or stress, if there are others who can do work that I’m struggling to do, I need to step aside and let them.

Here’s a case in point. I used to work in the children’s ministry at my church, teaching a class of fifth and sixth graders once a month. There were some great kids in this class, including my own daughter. But because of my depleted state, I often found my patience wearing thin and my irritability level rising as I tried to get them to focus.

When I actually began to dread going to church on those Sundays when I had to teach, I started to wonder if it might be time for a change. The turning point came when I realized that I would not want someone with my attitude teaching my own daughters. Maybe it was time to move on to something else.

The children’s pastor graciously let me off the hook. I relinquished my teacher title knowing that there were other people who could oversee the class. My little motto gave me the freedom to let go and find ways to serve that better matched my gifts and personality.

That wasn’t the only thing I dropped or said “no” to during those years. I turned down leadership opportunities. I didn’t sign up to be a room parent at my daughters’ school (though I did make treats for class parties). I didn’t volunteer for much of anything, really.

At times, I felt selfish and guilty. I wondered if people were disappointed in me, and maybe they were. But during this season of my life, I had to put my own oxygen mask on first before I could help anyone else.

So I only did what only I could do.

For me, this mostly included taking care of my home and family. Beyond my normal household duties, I focused on what I thought was important, even if it tuckered me out. When Lilly was in fourth and fifth grade, she wanted me to have lunch with her once a week. The cafeteria was noisy and the kids were rambunctious, but I went because I sensed she needed me.

I’m not suggesting that weary people should never participate in activities or ministries that take them out of their so-called “comfort zones” or don’t seem to fit their obvious skill sets. Sometimes when the call for “all hands on deck” goes out, it is our moral or spiritual obligation to answer it, no matter how fatigued we are.

Also, the practice of only doing what only you can do isn’t necessarily a permanent decision-making strategy. You might be worn out now, but you probably won’t be worn out forever. Seasons change, energy levels go back up, enthusiasm returns. It might require medical intervention from time to time, but it does happen.

For a while, I had so much margin in my life there was hardly room for anything else. But as I started to feel more like my normal self, I began adding things back in. But only very strategically.

Today, I volunteer at the elementary school—helping kids with writing, but still not planning parties. I now have lunch with younger daughter Molly every week. (She’ll be in middle school next year and I won’t be able to then.) I help organize special events for the women’s ministry at church.

I do other things, too, but I haven’t forgotten what those tired days were like. Which is why I shared my experiences with my friend, along with these final thoughts that I hope might encourage others who are slogging through their own weary seasons.

I’m sorry you are in this tough place of never-ending butt-dragging, my friend. I know words from me won’t change much, but I do understand, and I would hug you if I could. You are making a difference, even if you see no tangible proof right now. So hang in there. It won’t always be like this.

And if it gets worse before it gets better, as it sometimes does, take a tip from your white-space loving friend and only do what only you can do.

It’s hard to let go, but it’s worth it.

♥ Lois

P.S. Linking up this week with Suzie Eller at #LiveFreeThursday.

October 27, 2015 22 comments

How I Feel is Not Who I Am

by Lois Flowers October 20, 2015

by Lois Flowers

Earlier this year, I read a blog post by someone who was packing up and moving after 38 years in the same house. The writer, Linda Stoll, wrote about depersonalizing her beloved home to prepare it for listing, and about all the memories she would leave behind when she relocates to a new address in a different state.

In the comments section, I told her that the longest I’ve ever lived anywhere (as an adult) has been five years, so I could only imagine how hard it would be to do all that work after nearly four decades in the same place.

Her response stopped me in my tracks and triggered an internal dialogue that continued for weeks.

“Five years, huh?” she wrote. “Wow, Lois, you are courageous. And maybe a bit of an adventurer like (another commenter) was just talking about!”

Out of all the words in the English language, I have never used “courageous” or “adventurer” to describe myself. Not one time.

Deep down inside, I crave security, adjust slowly to change and only take risks with great reluctance. I hadn’t realized it before, but these personal struggles and feelings strongly influenced the kind of person I thought I was. Perhaps that’s why terms like “boring,” “safe” and “structured” often come to mind when I think of myself, rather than other, more exciting adjectives.

Linda’s kind words made me recognize that just because I don’t feel courageous doesn’t mean I’m not courageous, and just because I would never think of myself as an adventurer doesn’t mean I’m not adventurous.

As I shared here, Randy and I have moved eight times in 21 years of marriage, most recently into a foreclosed house that basically needed a top-to-bottom overhaul (which Randy has done almost entirely by himself). This is just the path our residential life has taken, so I never thought of it as very adventurous.

But maybe it has been, just a little.

We’ve also been to China twice to adopt our lovely daughters. Becoming parents for the first time—in a foreign country far away from our own moms and mentors—was what it took to grow our family, so it doesn’t register very high on the courageous scale for us.

But again, maybe it was, just a little.

Thanks to Linda’s affirming words, here’s what I’m discovering:

In real life—the kind that’s lived out loud and in person—actions speak louder than emotions. When it comes to who I am, what I do is far more telling than how I feel.

And this is not just true for me, either.

Everywhere I look, I see people who show up every day, who do what’s right even when they don’t feel like it, who take hard steps for the good of someone else. Based on how they feel at any given moment—or in any given season of life—they would never think of themselves as people of great faith, kindness, patience or generosity.

But their actions speak otherwise. Quite loudly, in fact.

They’re just doing the next thing, taking what comes and trying to make the best of it, attempting to honor God with whatever little or much they have. They don’t realize that, from the outside looking in, they are living, breathing examples of faith in action, love in action, strength in action.

If you know people like this, maybe you should tell them what you see. Take it from me—you just never know the difference an affirming observation might make in someone else’s life.

And remember: Though it’s sometimes tough to believe, our feelings don’t dictate who we are, nor are they the final arbiter of truth about us.

♥ Lois

In real life—the kind that’s lived out loud and in person—actions speak louder than emotions. When it comes to who I am, what I do is far more telling than how I feel. Share on X

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Grace & Truth, Suzie Eller at Live Free Thursday, Kelly Balarie at Purposeful Faith, Jennifer Dukes Lee at #TellHisStory and Holley Gerth at Coffee for Your Heart.

October 20, 2015 35 comments

How Do I Nurture My Daughter the Leader?

by Lois Flowers October 13, 2015

by Lois Flowers

Years ago, I had a freelance job writing for an e-zine published by a well-known leadership expert. I enjoyed the work, but as I wrote book reviews, interviewed authors and scoured other publications for leadership trends and quotes, I’d often wonder: Why am I doing this, really? Is it simply for the paycheck (which certainly is helpful and appreciated)? Or am I doing all this writing about leadership for some future purpose?

At the time, I couldn’t imagine what that purpose might be. My professional experience didn’t point to some upcoming leadership role of my own, nor did my interests. I have always been more of a freelancer than a team player; in fact, when leadership opportunities come up, I tend to run in the other direction.

Still, my conviction that everything in life prepares us for something else—that in God’s economy, nothing we go through is ever wasted—kept these thoughts alive, at least in the back of my mind.

Then Lilly was a pumpkin in her ballet school’s production of Cinderella, and I started to catch a glimpse of the reason behind all that work.

All the three- to five-year-old girls in the Creative Movement class looked absolutely precious as they danced around on the stage to the tune of “Bibbidi Bobbidi Boo.” But Lilly didn’t just look adorable. She was the picture of intensity.

She wasn’t there simply to do her part, you see. She somehow felt it was her responsibility to make sure everyone else did theirs, too. So in the video, you see her frantically gesturing and motioning and trying to move all the other little pumpkins along. (Apparently, it’s difficult to smile when you are busy directing traffic and trying to keep your leaf hat on at the same time.)

This performance was the first in a long line of occasions when Randy and I have had the opportunity to watch Lilly’s leadership skills in action. I’ll write more about this later, but for now, I think it’s enough to say we have a leader on our hands. Not a child with leadership potential, but a bona fide leader girl who understands more about getting people to do what they’re supposed to do than many adults I know.

Some of my past reading and writing about leadership has come in handy as I contemplate the best ways to nurture daughters who are leaders. But I often feel less than prepared to carry out this important assignment. How exactly does a mom proceed when she has actually heard her daughter say that she wishes she could go back to China (where she was born) and become president so she could do away with the one-child policy there?

That kind of drive is not caught or taught, folks. It’s wired in, no two ways about it.

I’m not sure what to do, so I start with Amazon.com. Specifically, I’m hoping to find a book about how to help my daughters become the leaders God has designed them to be.

So far, I haven’t found what I’m looking for. Oh, there are books about how to develop leadership in children, but most of them are written by coaches and are not specifically about girls. Books on purity are helpful, but not for this discussion. I’m also not interested in resources that use princess analogies or are mostly about self-esteem or preventing bullying.

I think what it boils down to is this. I wish I could pick the brains of parents with grown daughters in positions of leadership. I want to know what, if anything, these moms and dads did to cultivate those gifts. Did they know when their girls were little that they were destined to be leaders? What did that look like?

Maybe I’m the only mom with a leader daughter who is a bit unsure of how to prepare her for a life of influence. But something tells me other mothers have similar concerns, which is why I’m going to close this post with a rare request for specific feedback.

• Are you a mom of daughters who wonders about the best way to encourage their obvious leadership skills? Have you read any good books about the subject, or are you as hungry as I am for thoughtful counsel about how to do this well?

• If you are a woman who leads (in any capacity), how did your parents help you become the leader you are now? What do you wish they had done?

• And finally, if you are a parent with grown daughters who lead, do you have any words of wisdom for those of us who are following in your footsteps?

If any of these questions resonate with you, please slip me a comment or, if you prefer, use the “contact” section to email me privately.

Thanks, and stay tuned. You haven’t heard the last about this subject from me. (Although I suspect you already knew that.)

♥ Lois

October 13, 2015 19 comments

The Saddest Kind of Comparison (and How to Quash It)

by Lois Flowers October 6, 2015

by Lois Flowers

If you’ve been reading Waxing Gibbous for a while, you may recall a post or two about a quote from The Chronicles of Narnia that graces the wall above my kitchen sink:

“I am telling you your own story, not hers. I tell no one any story but his own.”

During an especially difficult time in my life, these words from The Horse and His Boy helped me understand that the things that happen in the lives of other people are part of “their story,” and it is neither our responsibility nor our business to know why God allows them to happen.

October 6, 2015 22 comments

Song of the Month: “Forever”

by Lois Flowers October 4, 2015

by Lois Flowers

I first heard the Song of the Month for October at my church a couple of Easters ago.

Not the Christian radio version. This one. Live, with the lengthy monologue.

I know, time is precious. Twelve minutes and 44 seconds of your attention is a lot to ask for. But “Forever” by Kari Jobe is worth every second.

So buckle your seatbelts, folks. As they used to say in Arkansas, if this don’t light your fire, your wood’s wet.

October 4, 2015 4 comments

How God Saves Me When I’m Feeling Helpless

by Lois Flowers September 29, 2015

by Lois Flowers

I came across this verse in my Bible not too long ago:

“The Lord guards the inexperienced; I was helpless, and He saved me.” (Psalm 116:6)

These lines were starred, with one of my daughters’ names written in the margin. Apparently, I had noticed the verse before.

This day, troubled as I was with all sorts of petty issues, my first inclination was to breathe a sigh of relief as I read these words. Right about then, I was so very glad that God was guarding my children as they try to learn difficult concepts and absorb new material at school.

September 29, 2015 23 comments