Inside: A gentle response that could lower the temperature of contentious arguments, plus advice from my dad about how to become a more gracious person.
I once had a difficult conversation with my dad. The details aren’t important; the point is that our disagreement was intense.
My dad listened to all my arguments. Rather than rebut them with his own, he calmly said, “I don’t look at it that way.”
I beyond frustrated with him at the time. In the years since, though, his words have taken on a different hue.
A Bleak Outlook
Looking around today, it’s tempting to believe that polite discourse is a relic of a kinder, gentler era—that our world is too divided in every way, too easily offended, too broken for people to disagree and still love each other.
And yet, maybe all is not lost.
A Better Way
Instead of engaging in defensive, angry arguments or—perhaps worse—not sharing valid opinions for fear of reprisal, what if we took a cue from my dad? After carefully listening to the other sides of a contentious topic, what if we simply said, “I don’t see it that way” and leave it at that?
In giving this response, we’re not casting judgment on anyone else’s opinion—or on them, for that matter. We’re simply stating that we have a different perspective.
This might not line up with the constant need for affirmation that seems so prevalent in our society. But sometimes, the most loving response we can give someone is to let them know we disagree with what she thinks or what he is doing.
Could it Help?
So far, I’ve only tried this answer with members of my immediate family. My husband and daughters aren’t going to cancel or shun me, even if they don’t like what I say. (I’m the one who cooks their meals and buys their birthday presents, after all.)
I wonder, though, if it would be helpful in conversations with others. Maybe not over text or email, and probably not via social media. But in person?
At this point, I think anything is worth a shot.
Be the Change
I’ve said this before and I’ll say it again: if we want to change the temperature of the world, we have to start with ourselves. Sticking a sign in our yard that tells passersby to be just, kind and humble is a nice gesture, but none of us can compel random strangers to behave a certain way.
Which brings me to another one of my dad’s Bible study outlines that I found in his papers, this one about how to be gracious. While my dad could be enormously stubborn, I think most people who knew him would agree that he was a good person to teach on this subject.
“You can’t do things that will make you humble,” he wrote. “You can do things that will instill a spirit of humility in you and make you a gracious person.”
A Good Goal
Isn’t that we’d all like to be—gracious people? I know I would, though I often fall short of that goal, especially in my heart.
Fortunately, in a list titled “Things you can do to be truly humble and gracious,” my dad left practical instructions that apply to contentious conversations as well as more everyday situations. Here are his six recommendations, slightly edited for blog style.
• When you are complimented on something that really is special, avoid expressing false humility (“Oh, it was nothing!”) when it really was good and you think it was. Instead, accept it graciously with a smile (“Thank you, it was nice of you to say so!”) and avoid embellishing it.
• Be quick to admit you’re when wrong. Give the benefit of the doubt if you are not sure who is right, and drop the argument if you believe you are right.
• Be quick to apologize. Ask for forgiveness when necessary; extend forgiveness if appropriate.
• Accept disagreement graciously. Resist the urge to have the last word.
• If others disagree with you, try to understand their point of view, but not necessarily to agree with them.
• Always be kind to others, even if they are not kind to you.
Timeless Wisdom
My dad brought his unique voice to these bits of wisdom, of course, but most did not originate with him. Look closely and you’ll see traces of the Golden Rule, 1 Corinthians 13, the two greatest commandments and the biblical exhortations known as the “one anothers” sprinkled throughout his list.
Which is not surprising, I suppose. They’ve stood the test of time, setting the standard for godly relationships throughout the ages. And they still work—every time they’re tried.
• • •
You know I can’t write a post like this without asking what you think. Do you see it this way, or do you look at it differently? Please share your thoughts in the comments.
♥ Lois
After carefully listening to the other sides of a contentious topic, what if we simply said, “I don’t see it that way” and leave it at that? Share on X Sometimes, the most loving response we can give someone is to let them know we disagree with what she thinks or what he is doing. Share on XP.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Recharge Wednesday, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.
28 comments
What a powerful post, Lois! I know the world would be a much brighter place if we could all learn to say, “I don’t look at it that way” instead of trying to prove that the other person’s way is wrong and our way is right (even if that’s what we believe). I’m trying to release a situation right now with a friend by following your advice. 🙂
Oh, Lisa … I hope the situation with your friend is resolved soon, if only in your heart. Hugs, friend.
Love these practical insights of your Dad’s – and yours! I’ll be testing out that wise, peaceful but honest line. Also, I’m halfway through Northanger Abbey and am finding people then were pretty easily offended too 😂 Ifs interesting how what offense looks like seems to change culturally but our human nature makes us offendable nonetheless!
That’s a great point, Bethany. Human nature is still the same, after all this time. I suppose it’s much more amplified and on display now because of social media. But sinful hearts are still sinful hearts. And the remedy is still the same, with or without Twitter. Hugs, friend.
Your Dad was so very wise, Lois. Practical, too. May kindness, wisdom, and a gracious spirit define who we are and how we relate to others.
A watching world stands by, taking it all in.
Amen, Linda. As the song says, “They’ll know we are Christians by our love.” “Kindness, wisdom and a gracious spirit” is what love in action looks like, I think. Hugs, dear friend.
I just found you through Grace & Truth link up. Thank you for sharing your father’s wisdom. It is much needed in these days of quick presumption and heated debates.
His wisdom reminds me of James’ words, “Let everyone be quick to listen, slow to speak, and slow to anger…”.
I’m so glad you stopped by, Stephanie. And wouldn’t you know … the Book of James was one of my dad’s favorites! 🙂
Lois, I believe this phrase will be useful to me, both in those moments when I’m not sure how to respond but also (probably even more!) in the ones where I’m flabbergasted and speechless. As the world got louder and angrier, I stopped speaking. It seemed fruitless to contribute to conversations in which no one seemed to be listening. I’ve read that my response isn’t uncommon and that the silence left a void, so I’ve been working on it. In “heightened” situations, I do best with a prepared response, and now I have one. Thank you.
Also, dads. What a gift.
Aw, Natalie … I’m so glad my dad’s words have helped you formulate a response for those “heightened situations.” (I also understand the desire to have such a prepared response … that is helpful for me too.) And dads. Yes and amen. ❤️
What wise and practical advice from your father! I think we would all want to be more gracious (and I just LOVE that word and all the beautiful images it inspires!) but it’s not easy. I certainly struggle with the temptation to be right and to win an argument rather than to just graciously move on and love the other person, even though we see things differently. Visiting from Let’s Have Coffee #22
Oh, Kym … I totally understand about wanting to win arguments and be right. I struggle with that too. Here’s to letting graciousness rule in our hearts instead. ❤️
Lois such a great post! I am always in favor of a gracious approach in any conversation, but especially the ones that walk a tense tightrope.
We are taught in hospice to avoid conflict by simply saying “I never thought about it that way”, Or ” I don’t quite see it that way, please tell me more”.
By asking the person to tell you more, you are validating their privilege to have a different point of view, but also opening yourself to hear more, to increase your own understanding and open a (maybe) narrow mind.
We can never err or offend from a place of grace.
Amen, Donna! Those responses you learned in hospice are wonderful. Hugs, friend.
Lois, your words here are so true. A gracious response, especially toward critical/harsh/unkind words speaks so much more powerfully than rebuttals. I really like your dad’s response, “I don’t see it that way.” I’m holding onto this for those tough conversations that come into my days.
I always appreciate your wisdom, my friend.
And I appreciate yours, Jeanne.❤️
This is such wise insight, Lois. Yes, it started with Scripture, but God has given both you and your dad grace to apply it in your lives. Thanks so much for encouraging love and grace in this divided world! Love and blessings to you, my friend!
Thank YOU for your encouragement, Trudy. Love and hugs, dear friend.
Lois, these are such timely and practical suggestions. I have shared them with my family and printed out the list of 6 suggestions for myself. We have our fair share of disagreements and yet want to handle them graciously. Thank you for pointing us to a more gracious way. As my son-in-law commented, it made him think of Christ’s words, “Blessed are the peacemakers”.
Aw, Brenda … I have a feeling my mom would be tickled pink to know that your family is benefiting from my dad’s wisdom after all these years. ❤️
Lois, I want to adopt this in my own life. There are too many opinions and arguments being had, and I tend to get intimidated and feel shut down. But your dad’s response, that is pure gold – “I don’t look at it that way.” Beautiful, gentle, and gracious. All without agreeing or arguing. Keep sharing dad’s notes – we need to glean the wisdom!
Joanne, I’m so glad you found this helpful. I have a whole storage box full of my dad’s notebooks and Bible study notes … I think I’ve barely skimmed the surface of the wisdom that could be gleaned from all of it. ❤️
Your dad’s tips are great! I think disagreeing well is a skill that is really lacking in our culture (in the UK anyway). It would make a big difference if we were more gracious – seeking to understand other perspectives even if we don’t agree and showing kindness. It is something my work colleagues and I have worked on a bit over the last few years. Our issue was more with people not wanting to speak up when we disagreed, but it has really helped for us to learn to be more honest with one another and it has created an environment where people feel much more free to say what they think, knowing that even if others disagree they will still respond with kindness and respect. It has been very freeing to discover, with one of my colleagues in particular, that we can have different opinions on some pretty big issues but still remain good friends.
Lesley, I’d say disagreeing well is definitely lacking in the U.S. too. I’m glad you’ve been able to make progress in this area in your workplace, and that you’ve been able to disagree with your colleague and still remain good friends. That is a huge blessing.
So much good stuff here. I especially like the point about giving the benefit of the doubt. People have always been quick to assume, but these days they tend to build up a whole personality profile based on one tweet. I also like the part about trying to understand the other’s point of view, even if you disagree.
It helps to remember we can agree to disagree with folks and still be friends.
Even in crucial matters, like who Jesus is or the way of salvation, we’re not likely to win people over by constantly arguing or hammering away on a point every time we encounter them. I tend to go too far the other way and not speak when I should, because the basic response from many in my family was, “I’m glad you found something that makes you happy, but I don’t want to hear it.” I too often didn’t speak a word when I should have. It takes such wisdom and leaning on the Lord’s guidance to know when to say something and when not to.
The benefit of the doubt is such a wonderful gift, Barbara. You’re right about not winning people over by “hammering away on a point every time we encounter them.” It’s so exhausting when people do that, even if we may agree with whatever they are espousing. I can relate to keeping my mouth shut when I probably should have said something … like you, I’m so grateful we can rely on the Lord to guide us in these conversations.
What excellent advice! I’ll have to keep that phrase in my back pocket (and practice saying it—after I listen actively). We could certainly use more civil discourse these days!
I’m glad you found it helpful, Anita. 😊