My mom once asked me to recommend some good books for her to read. I gave her a couple of titles and told her that they had been tremendously impactful in my own life. She gave them back after about a week, explaining that she just couldn’t get into them.
At first, I was hurt and frustrated. Don’t ask for books to read if you’re not going to even put forth the effort, I grumbled inwardly.
Eventually, my frustration dissipated. Yes, I wanted my mother to be interested in books that had meant so much to me. But I also realized that not everyone likes to read the things I like to read, and I couldn’t hold this against her.
Perhaps you’ve been there too. You share a book you loved with a friend, expecting her to love it too, but she doesn’t. What spoke to you didn’t speak to her as much, or at all.
It’s disappointing, isn’t it?
This may not be the case every time, but I think we often want other people to appreciate what speaks to us so that we feel affirmed in what we think God is telling us. We might even get offended when people criticize a book or author we like because we feel invalidated somehow.
But maybe they aren’t as far down the road as we are, or maybe they are further down the road, or maybe they aren’t even on the same road at all. Whatever the case, does it really matter?
God speaks to us through His Word, of course, but He also works in the lives of each of His children differently. We can’t take it personally when something that moves us deeply has no effect on someone we love.
Books are like avocados—people either like them or they don’t. I don’t get irritated with people at my house when they forgo avocadoes on their taco salads, so why would I get upset when they don’t want to read the memoirs about loss and suffering that I find inspiring?
When my mom returned my books to me without reading them, I felt like she missed a wonderful opportunity to get know my heart better. Later, after she was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s dementia, I understood why she responded the way she did and was able to extend grace to her, if only in my mind.
Sadly, I can’t go back and change my initial reaction (though I dearly wish I could). But I can let what I’ve learned since then guide me when I recommend books to friends and loved ones now.
As a dear friend once told me, reading preferences are personal, especially when the subject matter is painful.
Because of this, I try to stay away from exclamations like, “This is the best book I’ve ever read; I just know you’re going to love it too,” or, “You’ve got to drop everything and read this—it’s going to change your life.”
(Maybe it will; maybe it won’t. That’s not for me to decide.)
Instead, when I tell a friend about a book that I think she might find interesting or encouraging, I couch it in caveats.
“I thought of you when I was reading this,” I say, “you might want to check it out too.”
Or,
“I thought this book was really good. You may not find it helpful at all, but perhaps you will?”
Or (my personal favorite),
“If you read it, I’d love to know what you think.”
• • •
Comments are always welcome around here, but this conversation seems to warrant a special invitation. So let’s talk.
Has someone ever insisted that a book they’re recommending will solve all your problems or take away all your pain? What do you think when someone you love doesn’t love a book you love? And, most importantly, how do you feel about avocados?
♥ Lois
God works in each of our lives differently, so don't take it personally when something that moves you deeply has no effect on someone you love. Share on X Books are like avocados—people either like them or they don’t. Share on XP.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Recharge Wednesday, Let’s Have Coffee, Inspire Me Monday and Grace & Truth.
26 comments
Lois, I love your line about avocados. I’d never thought about books in that way before but I think you’re right. Thanks for sharing.
Blessings,
Tammy
I’m glad you appreciated the avocados line, Tammy. 🙂 So much in life comes down to personal taste, doesn’t it? Merry Christmas to you and yours!
I have found that friends have responded about 50/50 to book recommendations. My BFF was very honest with me years ago and said, “Bevy, I just don’t like reading books, but I love magazines.” So, as soon as I read through my monthly subscriptions, I pass them along to her. And she LOVES that!
Beverly, I’m glad your BFF was honest with you and that you found such a great way to speak her reading love language. 🙂
I’m not an avocado fan! These are helpful suggestions for how to share the things we care about – books and otherwise. : ) Thanks!
Bethany, isn’t it wonderful to know we can still be friends even if we disagree on something as important as avocados? 🙂
I do love avocados, Lois. 🙂 As a kid, it was a special treat on bread or toast, and I still love it that way. Or plain. Recently I’ve even come to love it with salt and pepper like my dad did. And I love your important message here. Yes, book preferences are personal, especially when the subject matter is painful. And each of us has different experiences and is at a different point in our journey of life. And some people just don’t like to read and I’ve learned to accept that, too. Thank you for sharing this, my friend. Love and blessings to you!
It’s fun to know you are a fellow avocado fan, Trudy. 🙂 I can’t remember ever eating one as a child, and it sounds like you were way ahead of your time with avocado toast back then! I like mine in salads and sandwiches, but Molly enjoys them plain. I know it’s hard for us book lovers to understand how people could not like to read, but you’re absolutely right–some people don’t and that’s just fine! Hugs, friend.
Hi Lois! You know me… feeling a little inferior to be sending a message. Simply put, I always worry about not sounding intelligent enough. (Enough for who? Who knows?🙄) However, I wanted to share w/ you about a devotional book that my daughter recommended to me over a year ago. She told me how wonderful it’s been for daily walk w/ the Lord, and she said I would “LOVE IT”! After ordering this book & giving it a 4 week try, I’ve given up on it. (I have not told my dear daughter about this though.) There have been 2 thoughts that I keep wrestling with regarding not “loving it”. First, I feel I am failing as a Christian because this awesome devotional book is not as awesome as I thought it would be. Second, I worry that I could possibly be at the beginning stages of dementia/ Alzheimer’s??? I used to love curling up to read w/ a good book, even if it did take me awhile to finish it. Now, I seem to enjoy watching movies more to relax. So, you are correct by saying that we are all on different paths or roads.
Oh, Jen … you sound perfectly intelligent to me! Your story about the devo is such a good example of this … I don’t think any two people in my house would enjoy the same kind of devotional, and there are some who probably don’t enjoy them at all! With all that you have going on in your life, I totally understand why movies are more relaxing than reading books, especially ones you don’t like! I think we are long overdue for a phone chat … maybe we can work one in over Christmas break? Miss you!
I’m still chucking over the books are like avocados like 😆. I get asked all the time about what to read—one of the occupational hazards of teaching English! I always try to find out a student’s interests before I recommend an author or book. But I love your idea of letting a friend know, ‘I thought about you when I read this.’
Your students are fortunate to have a teacher who takes such a personal interest in them, Anita. 🙂
This is such a touchy topic, Lois, but you handle it with grace. I have been given books before that I really wasn’t the least interested in. Sometimes people who aren’t readers assume that if you love to read, you’ll read anything. 🙂 It’s made me go to the opposite extreme and be reluctant to give books at all, even when I should! A good friend recently gave me a book I have been wanting to read though, so I do love the gift of books when the giver knows me well.
I agree, Lisa. You’ve reminded me of a time when my daughter Lilly would read YA novels and then recommend them to me because she thought I would like them too. Most often, she was exactly right. It so nice to be known like in this way, doesn’t it?
I absolutely love this ode to bookish gifts, Lois. I’ve found that if a volume has changed my life, I have no choice but to share it, especially on my blog. It seems like if we’re connecting with people, soul-to-soul, our choices are often similar, too …
Not always, but often.
;-}
Linda, you share your book recommendations just like you share everything else–with wisdom, humility and grace. Hugs, friend.
I understand your desire to pass on what we classified is a “great book” which we believe can be a blessing to a friend or one we love. I recently read a book about healing. I made copious notes not in the book, but on index cards and notebook pages.
Meeting with a very special person in my life, I shared what I had gleaned from the book and made copies of some of the notes I had made that I believed were “pearls of knowledge and wisdom” that could be useful in short readings. I also let the person know the name of the book and offered to loan it should they decide they would like to read it.
Mary, I think you already know this, but I’m so very thankful for your wisdom and your willingness to share it with others. 🙂
Lois, love that you “went there” with the book discussion. I have been on both ends of giving and receiving. I actually feel more uncomfortable on the receiving end when the book is given with the “expectation” that it’s just what I need. Because I can’t think of a time when that actually panned out, but people pleaser that I am…well you know. I do try to tone down my book “recommendations” as you mentioned as well as not investing too much emotional real estate in the outcome.
Avocados? muy bien!
Yep, Donna … I understand that uncomfortable feeling of being on the receiving end of a book that just didn’t speak to me like it spoke to the person who gave it to me. You’re right … it does help us to remember to tone down our recommendations in case the books we love don’t quite do it for others!
I’m not an avocado fan. You can have mine. 🙂
I’ve been on both sides of the book scenario. I have a short stack of books that people have given me that remain on the bottom of my to-be-read pile. If I didn’t have so many other books stacked up that I am eager to read, and many more on an ever-growing list, I might have gotten to them sooner. But something about them just hasn’t appealed to me. I’ve also given or recommended books that some have loved and others did not.
However, my ever-growing TBR list expands mostly from recommendations and reviews from blog friends. So I probably like, or at least want to try, recommendations more often than I don’t. I think I prefer a recommendation rather than the book itself–that gives me the option without the obligation or guilt. Unless, as they’ve described it, I’ve said, “Oh, that sounds really good,” and then they are moved to give me a copy. That’s happened a couple of times, and I usually read those books soon.
I’ve had the same thing happen with sermons–back when sermons were recorded on cassette tapes, people used to frequently pass them around. I gave one to a pastor (different from the one mentioned earlier) because it expanded on a point he had made. I thought he’d be encouraged that other preachers held the same view. Instead he went on and on about one minor point on the tape that he disagreed with.
In our early married years, our pastor at that said many of the OT prophets lived and ministered around the same time. That was news to me. I had just been saved in my late teens, and in my spiritual infancy, I guess I thought the books of the Bible were chronological, one coming after the one before. The pastor theorized that one reason for having more than one active prophet at a time was due to varying personalities. Some would respond more to one than another. (Of course, some of them also ministered in different areas, etc.). But I’ve pondered that may also be why God also says the same things through various writers and genres in the Bible: doing so not only reinforces the message, but some might “get” the message better from one author or genre than another.
I like the conclusion you come to. We can’t know whether a particular book is just the thing someone needs, and coming on too strong may push them away. But a gentle “I thought of you” or “I’d love to hear what you think if you read it” puts the ball in their court.
Forgive me for going on and on. I love to talk about books. 🙂
Barbara, there’s no need to apologize for “going on and on” … I always appreciate your thoughts and insights. 🙂 Especially with this topic—the comparison to prophets who were contemporaries of each other is so interesting. I think you’re right … several authors can write on the same thing in very different ways, and different people will be drawn to each one because of, well, any number of factors. Most of the books I read come from my local library, so I think I’m with you in preferring recommendations to books given as gifts. That way, if I can’t get into the book, I can just return it!
Lois, I do love avocados. Give me a helping on my tacos. Books are funny things, we love them and others can hate the same book. IIn grad school there was a book I loved; I mean it was nearly zoomed to my favorite spot. At class that night my friend said it was the worst book she had ever read and that she had thrown the book against the wall and across the room more than once. This shocked me. And I think it was then that I realized that people can have such different opinions about the same book. (I also realized that not all people had a goal of trying to keep all books pristine and in good shape because she had thrown the book – something I had never even thought people did!) It is fun to find people who like your type of books. I have a friend who likes the books I do. And a daughter. And then a lot of people who don’t.
Wow, Theresa … I don’t think I’ve ever reacted to a book I didn’t like by throwing it across the room! And to think it was a book you loved. Such a good illustration of how varied we are in our reading tastes. I’m glad you have a friend and daughter who like your kind of books. My older daughter has always understood my taste in books too, and has recommended several books over the years that I really loved. It feels good to be understood like that, doesn’t it? 🙂
Lois, I have shared books and been told they did not like them at all. And you are right, we do get offended. I think at times I have taken it personally, feeling I was not affirmed in my book choices. You are also right, we all are at different points in our life journey and we need to give grace, yes, even in our choice of books.
PS – I love avocados 🙂
Amen, Joanne. I’ve been thinking about giving grace a lot these days … to myself when I feel like I’m running backwards on a treadmill, to people rushing around hither and yon during the holidays, and yes, to people who don’t always like what we like or appreciate. You’re right … there’s always an opportunity to pour out more grace. Hugs, friend.