Inside: Trying to convince people that their interpretations aren’t accurate doesn’t usually work. Here’s what we can do instead. ~
Have you ever noticed that when people hear something they don’t like or disagree with, they sometimes perceive what’s been said as far more intense than it really was?
For example, my hair stylist once told me that when her mother gets angry, her voice gets lower and quieter. But when her mom speaks like this, it comes across as screaming to my stylist.
I’ve also observed and participated in conversations where I heard one thing and others felt something else. What I interpreted as regular talking came across to them as much angrier communication.
They may have been reading more into the situation than was there, or I may have been oblivious to what was really going on. Either way, one thing is certain: We heard the same conversation and came away with completely different impressions of what had transpired.
Perception is Reality
Unfortunately, perception is reality, even if that reality is not actually real. As a result, trying to convince someone (including me) that what he or she feels is not accurate is often as beneficial as trying to teach geometry to a duck.
We can only control ourselves, after all. And when another person’s interpretation of our words is inaccurate—or at least not in accordance with what we felt or meant—we have some choices to make.
When the situation involves our younger children, for example, we can look at it as a teaching opportunity. They will be interacting with people all their lives, so if we can encourage them not to take offense, to listen wisely and to understand that there’s always a back story, we will be doing them a great service.
Our kids’ perceptions also help us understand them better. What seems like a small thing to us might be huge to them. And asking questions about what they felt and heard as we spoke gives us the opportunity to do things differently in the future.
Other Options
We do have other options, of course, whether we’re dealing with our children or with other people.
We could adopt the attitude that they are being oversensitive and need to get over it.
We could engage right then and there and try to convince them that their interpretation is wrong.
Or, we could pray.
Other choices might be easier or more convenient. But only with prayer do we have any chance of selecting the response that is right for each individual situation.
How to Pray
I don’t always pick this option, mind you. I frequently react rather than respond. But if we want to respond in a loving way more often, here are a few ways we could pray.
• That the people with whom we’re interacting will see things how they really are, rather than through the lens of defensiveness or emotional baggage.
• That we will see things how they really are, rather than through the lens of our own emotional baggage, our need to be right, our need to convince them that what they think isn’t accurate, or our tendency to be less sensitive than we could be (or maybe that’s just me).
• That we will accept feedback and humbly acknowledge when we have come across in a way that was different from how we intended.
• That we will come across in a loving way, that we will be able to tell when someone has misinterpreted our words, and that we will have the wisdom to know when to say something about it or just let it go.
That’s a lot to remember, I know. But casting every bit of it before the One who hears all, sees all and knows all is our only hope of ever getting it right ourselves.
• • •
We all have different ways of communicating, so if you have additional insights, please share in the comments.
♥ Lois
Trying to convince people (including me) that what they feel is not accurate is often as beneficial as trying to teach geometry to a duck. Share on X If we can encourage our children not to take offense, to listen wisely and to understand that there’s always a back story, we will be doing them a great service. Share on XP.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.
18 comments
Love this, Lois. Stephen Covey’s fifth habit (7 Habits of Highly Effective People) is also helpful I find: “Seek first to understand, then to be understood.”
Such good guidance, Pam. I need to work on that!
Communication is such a minefield – and a field that interests me greatly. Two of my children’s books deal with it indirectly. What we say is is only about 10% of actual communication. I do know some people look to be offended, so I guess it is important to know your dialogue group. As a literalist, verbal communication is an area I have struggled with all my life – processing it and dialoguing in it. Your list is of solid steps to keep in mind – to add to our own processing steps to become muscle memory.
I appreciate your perspective here, Maryleigh. That’s so interesting that our actual words make up only 10 percent of how we communicate. Expressions and body language speak a lot louder than words, it seems. I am very literal too, so sometimes I miss the nonverbal cues that others notice right away.
It’s not just you, friend! This is convicting for me, thank you!
I’m glad to know I’m not alone in this, Bethany! Hugs, friend.
Lot’s of insight and wisdom here, Lois! I’m reminded of Nehemiah who always prayed first before everything. Stephen Covey’s principle to seek to understand and then be understood is a principle I try to live out in all my communications. I don’t always do it well, but it helps me keep my emotional baggage at bay. I need to get out my own way (the “me” way), to truly hear God and others!
That’s a wonderful principle to go by in communication, Lynn. The order makes all the difference, doesn’t it? I hope you are well … I miss you seeing you in our writing group!
Lois, you have brought good insight at a time when we all need it. Lately I have been trying to get quieter, as in, saying less. Some days I am better at it than other days. May we become more aware of the words we speak, the tone we use, and our facial expressions. That means, may we pray for ourselves before we share our thoughts. Even this is easier said than done. We need much prayer so that we communicate with wisdom and compassion.
“Some days I am better at it than other days.” I can relate so well to this, Joanne. I love your insight and encouragement here … it’s not just our words that speak, that is for sure! Hugs, friend.
I can turn myself inside out over the idea that I’m being misunderstood!
And you’re right—sometimes it’s just impossible to fix it and we have to hand the whole situation over to the Lord (and do some serious self-talk about making mountains out of mole hills…).
I’m hearing you loud and clear, Michele. My husband asks me sorta regularly: “Is that a hill you want to die on?” Most of the time, they are molehills.
Thank you for this wise insight, Lois. So needed. “But casting every bit of it before the One who hears all, sees all and knows all is our only hope of ever getting it right ourselves.” Amen! Love and blessings to you!
I’m so glad we can turn to Jesus for help with our words, Trudy. I hope February is going well for you so far, dear friend!
Oh my goodness! This is so true!
I’m glad it resonated with you, Susan. 🙂
Oh Lois, this reflection is wise and oh so necessary … more than ever in this season we find ourselves in. May our words and the intent of our hearts be sweeter than honey (Psalm 119:20).
Amen to that, Linda. You’ve reminded me of the verse about apples of gold in settings of silver … the Bible has such powerful metaphors about our speech, doesn’t it?