It’s OK if Our Grief Doesn’t Include Buckets of Tears

Inside: Some people cry a lot; others don’t. If you’re someone who doesn’t, take comfort in knowing you’re not alone. ~

We all express grief differently.

This might be obvious, but I think it’s worth noting. Especially for those of us whose grief doesn’t always involve a lot of tears.

We seem to be on the far end of a pendulum swing when it comes to emotions, don’t we? Years ago, tears were a sign of weakness, not humanness. Parents of Gen Xers like me were more apt to say things like, “Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about.”

The Opposite Extreme

The logic of that statement is questionable, to say the least. Now, however, in some settings it seems as if every emotion is worth exploring to the fullest extent possible, no matter the root cause, the circumstances, or whether the person feeling the feelings might simply be hungry or tired.

Particularly when it comes to grief but also in other areas, it seems like some people want all their feelings to be been seen, felt and affirmed by everyone.

This isn’t actually possible in the real world, of course. Each of us have a whole batch of stuff we are dealing with, and although we try to be sensitive to other people’s feelings, it’s literally impossible to notice everything about everyone else.

I’m guessing there’s a happy medium between the extreme ends of the feelings pendulum, though I’m not sure where it is. All I know is this: if people who cry easily felt misunderstood or embarrassed back in the stiff-upper-lip days, those who don’t express grief that way now may be the ones who feel as if there is something wrong with them.

Not the Only One

There’s no shame in crying buckets of hot tears or sobbing until gobs of snot roll down your face, as I’ve seen some authors put it. But that’s generally not how it works with me, and perhaps not with you either.

Maybe you are quieter, emotionally. But you’re still plugging along, still grieving in your own ways, which perhaps are not like the ways some voices on social media seem to be expressing their emotions.

If so, you are not the only one. I hope just knowing that provides a little bit of comfort, no matter what you are going through today.

And here’s something else to remember. Even if we tend to be pretty laid back when it comes to overt displays of emotion, the way we respond to sad seasons varies over our lifetimes. We may have seasons of many unexpected tears, and seasons when the tears simply dry up.

As we live, we grieve, is how I like to put it.

Other Outlets

Tears aren’t the only outlet for grief, of course. Some may sweat it out at the gym or on the running trail. Others find solace in kneading dough, ripping out Sheetrock or digging in the dirt.

For me, in the months and even for a few years after my parents died, my outlet was worship at church. The music would start and my eyes would start watering, especially when I heard the first chords of one of the hymns I remember so well from my childhood.

I wouldn’t exactly call it crying. But whatever it was, it helped.

My family grew to expect this during 2020 when we were watching church on TV in our basement family room. They put out the tissues and just let it happen.

When we went back to in-person church, my weekly face-watering sessions continued. I don’t know if anyone around me ever noticed. But God saw. And—comfort of all comforts—the One who wired me with this pressure relief valve collected every tear in His bottle (Psalm 56:8).

Divine TLC

Gradually, my Sunday tears dried up. Not long ago, though, my daughter’s friend who was visiting for the weekend started playing hymns on the piano in our living room. As I folded laundry in my nearby bedroom, I felt my nose get red and my eyes well up.

Once again, it was a sign of God’s tender care. As Psalm 147:3 puts it, our loving heavenly Father “heals the brokenhearted and binds up their wounds.”

I’m so thankful the healing comes for each of us in a way only He can orchestrate.

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Whether you are a crier or not, I’d love to know if you have experienced emotions differently at different seasons of your life, and what that has looked like for you. Please share in the comments.

♥ Lois

P.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.