One Way to Navigate the Emotional Teen Years

I had breakfast with a good friend a couple of months ago. She’s my favorite kind of friend—one with whom you can jump right into talking about anything, no matter how long it’s been.

We were discussing the emotional ups and downs that seem to be even more prevalent as our teenager daughters make their way through their final year of high school.

They have so much converging on their minds, bodies and hearts—homework stress, pressure to choose the right college, relationship struggles, thoughts about graduation, senioritis, lack of sleep and a million unknowns about the future.

Add in normal adolescent hormonal fluctuations, and it’s no wonder that they sometimes veer from happy to sad or from joyful to mad in less than a split second. It’s hard to know how to respond without getting sucked into the drama, much less how to actually help.

During our conversation, my friend shared a powerful analogy that is guiding her through this season of parenting twin senior girls. The way she described it is that our teenagers are on a roller-coaster ride, but although we are always close by, we do not have to strap ourselves into the car and ride it with them.

“I imagine I am there by the ride—maybe on the exit platform,” she explained. “I’m right there for them, but I am not on the ride. I get to choose to stay steady while their hormones and brains are taking them on crazy highs, lows, twists and turns.”

I’m not a big fan of actual roller coasters, and I dislike emotional ones even more. So my friend’s visual often comes to mind when someone I love appears to be whipping around on one of these emotion-fueled theme-park rides.

The trick, of course, is to do what my friend describes—to keep myself off the ride, no matter how easy it would be to hop aboard too.

It feels a bit counterintuitive to respond rather than react when a teenager is upset. To listen when she is venting, rather than prod her to look at the other side of the story right off the bat. To use what a former FBI hostage negotiator calls a “late-night FM DJ voice” when we are tempted to lower someone else’s intensity by raising our own.

The Bible tells us a gentle answer turns away anger. (Proverbs 15:1, HCSB) Not only that, as every parent who has desired to have a meaningful conversation with an older child can attest, timing is everything—when providing redirection, imparting life lessons or even offering tender encouragement. (I often want to dump it all out at once, the more the better, but that rarely works.)

Responding in all these ways requires self-control, something I frequently lack even as I’m hoping to see more of it in my children. But remembering the roller-coaster analogy—sooner rather than later—does help.

It also bears mentioning that this word picture doesn’t just apply to teenagers. It can be useful when we’re interacting with people of any age or season of life who are over-reacting or struggling to maintain their emotional equilibrium.

We might have to talk them down from the ledge, and that might take some time.

We might feel the effects of some verbal shrapnel, even from a distance.

But while it may not always be easy, we always have a choice.

We don’t have to ride the roller coaster with them.

♥ Lois

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Purposeful Faith, #TellHisStory, InstaEncouragements, Recharge Wednesday, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.

First photo by Matt Bowden on Unsplash

Second photo by Stephen Hateley on Unsplash