Inside: Even when we’re irritable or exhausted, we can choose to encourage others by speaking kindly and putting their needs ahead of our own. ~
What does it mean to die to self?
The question—posed many years ago during a small-group discussion—was one I had never seriously considered. The image of someone jumping in front of a bus to save another person immediately sprang to mind, but I suspected the meaning was more figurative than literal.
The scriptural context was 2 Corinthians 4:10-12, which says:
“We always carry the death of Jesus in our body, so that the life of Jesus may also be revealed in our body. For we who live are always given over to death because of Jesus, so that Jesus’ life may also be revealed in our mortal flesh. So death works in us, but life in you.”
Real-life Application
I understood the connection to the one-time event of salvation, but that night, I started thinking about how “death” in me could result in life for someone else.
That season of my life included significant amounts of change and stress. Though it all, I struggled with irritability. I often reacted rather than responded. I frequently failed to demonstrate the fruit of the Spirit in how I interacted with my daughters, who were then about 10 and 7 years old.
As I contemplated dying to self through the lens of my own struggles, Jesus’ words in John 10:10 came to mind: “The thief does not come except to steal, and to kill, and to destroy. I have come that they may have life, and that they may have it more abundantly.”
Do Our Words Speak Life?
I thought about my words, my tone and my attitude. I considered the power they have to impact other people, especially the people in my house.
Do my attitudes and my thoughts bring life to others? I asked myself. When I respond to my children, are my words bringing life to their hearts and minds, or are my words and tone speaking death to them?
I know the theological concept of dying to self is multi-faceted and many layered, but this was what convicted me during that conversation. When every fiber my being wants respond in irritation and frustration—because I’m stressed, tired, hormonal or whatever—it is possible for me to die to myself so someone else can experience life—full, whole, complete life.
It’s Possible for You Too
We can choose kind, gentle and loving words instead of going with our human desire to be irritable. We can put someone else’s need for our presence above our own need to be alone.
Don’t get me wrong—it’s not easy. It can be quite hard, in fact, especially if we’ve been running on irritable for a long time.
There are many times when I don’t do it, even now.
But we can do it. It is possible.
A Chance to Choose
The day after our small group talked about dying to self, my daughter Lilly—who was in fourth grade at the time—asked me if I would come to school and have lunch with her. I tried to do that regularly back then, gamely braving a noisy lunchroom full of highly spirited kids because she wanted me to be there.
That morning, though, I was even more tired than usual. I had already come for lunch once that week, and I didn’t really want to do it again so soon.
“No, not today, honey,” I told her as she got out of the car.
She was OK with that, but no sooner had I driven out of the parking lot than the words from the night before started running through my head: die to self, die to self, die to self.
What Happened
Oh, all RIGHT, I frumped. I get the message. I’ll go to school for lunch today!
When I got there later, I went to the fourth-grade wet area to find Lilly. One glance at her face told me something was terribly wrong.
A friend had been unkind, and her feelings were hurt. In a way that nobody but God could have orchestrated, she needed her mom right then, and there I was.
We retreated to the bathroom, where hugs and a few soft words soothed her feelings. She usually invited a friend join us for lunch, but this time, she and I sat at a table in the wet area—just the two of us—and ate our lunches. I pulled a deck of cards out of my purse, and by the time her classmates came back, she was fine.
It was a small thing, but it made a huge impression on me—one that lingers to this day.
• • •
That’s not all I learned about dying to self during that season of my life. Next week, I’ll share about an unexpected epiphany that touched the deepest parts of my faith. In the meantime, what does dying to self look like in your life, past or present? Please share in the comments.
♥ Lois
When every fiber our being wants respond in irritation and frustration, it IS possible for us to die to ourselves so others can experience full, whole, complete life. Share on X It's hard, but we CAN choose kind, gentle and loving words instead of going with our human desire to be irritable. We CAN put someone else’s need for our presence above our own need to be alone. Share on XP.S. I’m linking up this week with #tellhisstory, InstaEncouragements, Let’s Have Coffee and Grace & Truth.
18 comments
I love your story of dying to self. I never thought of eating lunch with my kiddos. That would have been so much fun, perhaps with grandkids.
I will proudly feature your blog post on my Pinterest board for Grace & Truth Featured Posts. You can see your article here— https://www.pinterest.com/embracingtheune/grace-truth-christian-link-up-featured-posts/.
That would be a great way to spend time with grandkids, Maree! Thanks so much for sharing my post. 🙂
Oh Lois, God was truly watching over little Lilly and you both. That was truly a God-thing! I love the question we need to ask ourselves – “Do my attitudes and my thoughts bring life to others?” May God give us the grace to bring life! Love and blessings to you, my friend!
I agree, Trudy! I’m so thankful when we can look back and see the fruit that comes from heeding His nudges, aren’t you? Love and hugs to you, dear friend.
I’m so aware that it’s usually those “little” deaths that trip me up.
Me too, Michele.
Dying to myself and loving on my family manifested in much the same way for me, Lois. Homeschooling the children and being the chore manager, Mom, and all-around day planner gave me many opportunities to prefer others. Sometimes, I did well; other times, I failed, repented, got up, and started over again.
And what a blessing to be able to do that, Lisa. I’m so thankful God’s mercies are new every morning, and we always have an opportunity for a fresh start.
Responding out of frustration and irritation can sometimes come so easily, but yes, you’re right that when we die to that part of ourselves, everyone benefits, and fruit can grow! I’m glad you were there for Lilly that day long ago, and that you still remember it. I hope she does too!
Lisa, I asked her about it and she doesn’t remember. 🙂 I originally wrote this many years ago and now I’m glad I did because it’s so good to look back and see how we’ve all grown and changed since then. Sending you a big post Mother’s Day hug today, friend.
It’s interesting to think about, isn’t it? It is not easy to die to our wants or desires. I’ve often viewed dying to self as sacrificing of myself for the better good of someone else. It can be the giving up of our time, resources, favorite food. But it is amazing how our willingness or lack or willingness can reveal our hearts. Heart work is so hard and doesn’t come easily but with the Lord’s help, it is possible. And for our good. Such a good reminder!
I am so thankful for the Lord’s help in this, Joanne. You’re right; without it, we’d be hard-pressed to ever change.
The idea of dying to self in little things was brought home to me in a biography about Amy Carmichael (Amy Carmichael of Dohnavur by Frank Houghton). She told about a situation with a coworker who was “unfair and dominating,” and Amy’s temperature rose when she heard in her mind the words “See in it a chance to die.” I can’t say I have followed that in every circumstance as I ought. But it did help me see that dying to self isn’t just in big, martyr-like ways.
I like the positive side of it you brought out, too–we don’t die to self as an end in itself but as a means to bring life to others.
I loved that story about God’s orchestrating your being there for Lilly just when she needed you.
I said Amy’s temperature–that should have been Amy’s temper. 🙂 Though it often feels like temper causes a rise in temperature.
So true, Barbara!
That’s a great example from Amy Carmichael’s life, Barbara. It’s especially hard to die to self when faced with people who are “unfair and dominating.” But, as you show, it is possible with God’s help.
I love this, Lois. I can’t remember anyone really talking about what those passages mean in our day-to-day lives. Thank you for the reminder that sometimes it’s in the small things we can most choose to reflect God’s glory to others—especially when we’re tired or frustrated.
I love how you frame these occasions, Ashley … as opportunities to “reflect God’s glory to others.”