When God Gives You a Chance to Love Better

My mom was diagnosed with Alzheimer’s in 2016 (although in retrospect, we can see she had likely been on that path for at least a couple of years).

That summer, she broke her wrist very badly, which really accelerated her decline. Then last June, a bad fall in the shower landed her in the hospital, then rehab, then long-term care.

When I got behind the podium to speak at my church’s Christmas Tea a few months ago, it would have made sense for me to elaborate on how God has answered our prayers for healing, and all the many ways He has made His presence known to our family this past year.

Instead, I felt compelled to talk about the miracle God did in my own heart before my mom’s Alzheimer’s diagnosis was even confirmed to us. As I wrote last week, the topic didn’t address the tea’s “Home for Christmas” theme exactly how I had envisioned, and not everything I said portrayed me in the best of lights.

But none of that mattered. I knew this was what I had to share.

• • • 

I’ve always had a good relationship with my mom. It wasn’t bad, it wasn’t strained—it was fine.

In the 12 years we’ve lived fairly close to my parents, though, I didn’t spend as much time with her as I could or should have. I used to get irritated or frustrated with her about petty things. I didn’t always set a good example for my girls when it came to adult mother-daughter relationships.

In recent years, my interactions with her were marred by a lack of understanding about what was happening to her as well as my long-time expectations of how I wanted her to respond to me and listen to me.

I don’t think this is uncommon among mothers and daughters. I see now that my mom loved me well in ways I either didn’t appreciate or had no feel for at the time.

Even so, after she broke her wrist and her decline became more noticeable, all these thoughts and feelings began to weigh heavily on me. Guilt, regret and anxiety about what was happening to her piled up. I felt helpless and didn’t know how to fix any of it.

The tipping point came around Thanksgiving of that year. As I read Ann Voskamp’s book The Broken Way, lines like this jumped off the pages and landed straight in my heart:

• “The best way to say you love is always time. The best time to love is always now.”

• “This is what dying to live means: You love as much as you are willing to be inconvenienced.”

• “Sometimes it helps in the moment to think: people aren’t being difficult—they are having difficulty.”

I felt something shift in me as I processed these words. It was as if all my expectations of how I wanted my mom to love me simply evaporated, and I just decided I was going to do my best to show love to her.

I can’t explain how this happened, and I can’t take one ounce of credit for it. All I can say is this: When God breaks a chain, it’s a gift of pure grace.

I realize that the healing or restoration of relationships often requires time, forgiveness and maybe even counseling. But I don’t think we have to wait for all this to learn to love differently.

Maybe, instead of clinging to our expectations of how we want the people in our lives to interact with us, we can look around and truly see those people—even the difficult ones—and do our best to make them feel loved and valued.

Sometimes, you don’t know how much someone loves you until all your expectations of what that love should look like are gone. But even if that doesn’t happen, unconditional love (as 1 Corinthians 12:31 describes it) is always the better way.

When I was putting these thoughts on paper in preparation for my talk, I frequently felt totally inadequate and unqualified to share what I felt I was supposed to say. The last thing I wanted to do was put anyone on a guilt trip or fill people with more regret than they already had.

Instead, I somehow wanted to communicate that what God gave me that Thanksgiving Day—and what He offers to us today—is simply this: the opportunity for a fresh start.

We can’t revise the past. We can’t get back any time we’ve wasted. We can’t undo anything that’s been done. We can’t make anyone act a certain way. We can’t fix anyone or bring anyone back.

What we can do, though, is make the most of the time we have now. To repeat Ann Voskamp: “The best way to say you love is always time. The best time to love is always now.”

God is in the business of changing hearts, there’s no doubt about that. But when you let go of your expectations of how you want other people to love you, there’s always the possibility that the heart that changes might not be your loved one’s.

It might be yours.

• • • 

Next week, I’ll explain what happened next, and how God gave us precious opportunities to spend time with my mom during her last few weeks living at home. I hope you come back to read the rest of this story. And if you have a sister or friend who might be encouraged by this post, I’d love for you to share it with her too.

♥ Lois

P.S. I’m linking up this week with Purposeful Faith, #TellHisStory, Coffee for Your Heart, Chasing Community, Faith on Fire, Fresh Market Friday, Faith ‘n Friends and Grace & Truth.